its been a while...

its been a while and i'm not in the right head space for posting positive affirmations (apologies)... popped back to try and get my thoughts down and make a few plans.... so this week the landlord has given us two weeks notice of a rent increase.. mines going up by £150 a month ... not so tragic for the boys as they pay more anyway (bigger rooms) but my increase is a kicker... granted the LL hasnt put my rent up in 15 years so part of me is very grateful; ive had an easy ride compared to some but my critical self (admit it, we all have it!) is thinking why didnt he just put it up gradually over the past few years and then it wouldnt be such a shock now.. im shit at budgeting (taking my mothers and the ostrich approach) and as he plans to sell the house next year im now faced with a situation of having no savings (i know, i know.. stupid woman!!), facing 50 and facing a move that i dont want (as cant afford to buy this place off him) possibly out of LDN as the rental market is so over-priced and i cant afford to live on my own... the boys have their own plans and im not included which i understand but it doesnt stop me being fearful of the future... and i'll miss the kitties which will  break my heart.... :(

oh poo.....

i started my working day with bird poo on my head...... i had a surprisingly pleasant day although some of my work colleagues didnt share the joy...... maybe they need the luck of the bird as well....

even le foot has settled at a dull roar today............

self explanatory........ 'swoon'....... :)

pink...

chilly morn and had to go on a training day so out came my trusty pink coat.......

well not this coat exactly, but its the right colour at least. i love my pink coat with a passion, its old, its frayed but every year i dig it out and wear it religiously all winter.... it makes a break in the dull greyness of the city and the endless stream of  black coats.... it also gets me served in shops/banks a whole lot quicker ...
 "would the lady in the pink coat like to come to this till? "...why yes she would thank you! its my happy coat and wearing it cheers me up no end... last winter a complete stranger came up to me on the bus and he said
"i love your coat, its like a beacon of happiness".... so today i wore my beacon of happiness and when the sun finally came out i felt as if it had done its job......i even think le foot had a smile today...

consumption still crazy........ but not dwelling today.....

call me jabba.........

so today im stuck at home with a sore foot (plantar fascitis and a heel spur - ouch), most days i can stretch it out in the mornings, hobble about for the first half hour and by the time i get to work its fine if a bit achy, but not today... today its not playing ball (is it an 'it'? or a he or a she or a 'le' - ooh thats better).. so le foot is not its usual chirpy self... cant weight bear on the heel and am not quite the right weight for hoping about on one foot... today i'm worried about le foot... up until now ive just kind of dealt with it, take a few painkillers, rub in the anti-inflammatory gel and get on with it... today it occurred to me that maybe le foot has had enough and doesnt want to lug my 26st mass around any more (well i think im 26st but its been so long since i found scales that go up that far it could be more...) and maybe le foot wants a rest..... how to convince le foot that the rest of my body has other places it needs to get to....

it occurs to me that i cant make any more excuses about NOT losing weight as its just not fair on my body (cue tears - damn....) it makes me very sad that i have subjected my body to this over the years - there are times when ive done something about it but its always been short-lived.... and not entirely successful.....
.. i know addictions - ive had a few...  i know the drill and the whole light at the end of the tunnel thing... but what if the light just gets further away the closer you try to get to it... what if you never get to it.... so i constantly self sabotage and then beat the crap out of myself for failing.... cos god forbid i should actually succeed........... this is the first time i have ever written these thoughts down -  i dont discuss them with anyone as i cant bear the shame....not friends, not family, no-one - so indulge me and let me rant for a while............
you can have a life without drugs, you can have a life without alcohol, but as far as i can see you cant have a life without food... which is where my raging food addiction stumps me and it rages, it rages constantly, i dont talk about food or diets with anyone - unless im sharing a recipe or recommending a restaurant, but i think about food all the time, every damn second of the day, even when im snowed under at work  and focused on a million and one other things its still there, like a pulse..... and when i stop it takes over and i let it...... which fills me with disgust and so much self loathing, there are times i cant bear it......................

..and days like today.. when im in pain and i cant move... i force myself to look in the mirror and all i see is this fat, ugly, horrible thing looking back at me and it doesnt feel like me, not in my heart, but it is me... some days i cant look in the mirror but today i can - i dont know where i went and how i got here seems like a blur............. its just not right and its pathetic........ im 44 years old and ive been fat all my life... i know theres been times when it hasnt bothered me but i cant remember when.. i havent always been this big - i used to sit around 17st and i did for a long time and i could manage to run around all over the place without any pain, always the 'funny' one (lets not talk about over-compensating).... but not now... in the last 5 years its like part of me switched off and ive gone on auto pilot just shovelling it all in without even acknowledging it.. like the 'off' switch doesnt work anymore or the batteries fell out of my 'full' button.. i buy all the right food so my fridge looks healthy, the cupboards look healthy... but then i dont eat half of it... or i move on to the next diet so then the food has to change so i throw it all out and start again.... then i buy all the other food - the 'binge' stuff and i refuse to store that - so i kid myself by buying enough for that evening, so therefore i have to eat it all that evening, when ive actually bought enough to feed a thirld world nation.....and it goes on... and it gives me such a hangover, its like ive been on a bender for weeks - grey skin, bags under eyes, thumping headaches, nausea (cant quite manage the throwing up bit and i dont want to shit myself when im 80 so i refuse to take laxatives...).... and still i carry on..... every morning i tell myself today will be different - today i'll do it and by dinnertime its all over......im exhausted physically and mentally.. it affects my ability to concentrate which is starting to affect my job....i have ended up in a spiral of depression, with and without pills, some days i cant leave the house..... i avoid social situations now unless im really comfortable with the people im with  - even then i make up excuses not to go mostly...... ive tried hynotherapy (too traumatic), counselling (disaster... dont kid a kidder....) - sometimes i think i just need someone to slap me across the face and say 'you stupid, fucking bitch - wake up! look at what a fucking mess you are, no wonder no-one wants you'... but then i think im doing enough self loathing for all of us thanks....
i cant form new relationships, platonic or otherwise and i wouldnt inflict this body on anyone naked.... the only saving grace is that my mojo went on holiday a few years ago and still hasnt come home so the lack of sex doesnt even bother me..... but in other ways kinda kills me cos i was always such a passionate person before not just physically but emotionally as well and i just dont seem to have passion for anything anymore............

today i feel like a bag of shite and im sick of myself...... i have higher hopes for tommorow....